Fortunately, that conversation took place over a year ago

A mistake would have been to sleep with one after their reunion and regret what happened and never speak to her or see her again

They all talk out of their ass at the time of the fog. They try hard to make their actions meaningful, they try and not see the mess around them they have caused the people that are standing by them, as they make these stupid mistakes. They don’t see the big picture only what the other person says to them. They cling to the ego boosts they get from the other person, as it makes them feel good. No they aren’t selfish, that’s what they think. I never thought my h as being stupid before the ea, always thought how smart and intelligent he was. I see different now. She was definitely the most biggest mistake he has ever done, I certainly wouldn’t to be someone else’s mistake.

I never allow my H to refer to this night also quick to tell the counselor that I resent her referring to it as a mistake. One phone call could be labeled as a mistake. Hours of phone calls, hundreds of texts, deception,lies,and meeting for lunches is definitely a CHOICE. Ugh. OK, I feel better now.

Your right as well It was his choice to violate our vows, yet he couldn’t see the choices he made because right he wasn’t himself, he wanted to forget what he felt and she made it easier to do that. So I will say biggest mistake and the wrong choice, because when he realised how much of a mistake it was, he should have stopped, but he chose to continue for the sake of her, not for the sake of our family. He chose to keep listening to her.

She was his antidote that made him feel good about himself

I so agree that what my husband did, an EA with 2 women, was not a mistake. You don’t make a “mistake” weekly for 3 years. That is deliberate betrayal, a choice he made every time he called their cubano noiva phones. I could have accepted that easier than knowing that after they flirted at the reunion ( he swears he did not sleep with her that night) he called her continuously, and that at some point started talking to the second one, calling her weekly as well. No mistake, just a sick, pathetic choice as Monalesia said. He made the choice to destroy our marriage.

He chose a cousin, someone that smokes like a chimney, has children, has left a 20yr marriage, someone that didn’t give a shit that he was married with children, one that was only 1 yr at the time. He chose her because she was not me, someone he knew he would never be happy with, someone that deep down he knew was everything he didn’t want in a wife. All she did was fill in the gaps he needed filled while he worked on making himself better.

What do you feel were the reasons for this? He needed tomfeel good about hmself, she made him feel heroic because she made him feel sorry for her, she told him about her sorry life and her shit marriage she stayed in for 20yrs. She needed an escape from her reality and she chose him to fill it. She made him feel good, made out she was a good listener, she was his escape from reality.

What effect does this “affaring down” have on your view of your spouse’s (or your) affair and his/her (your) mindset at the time? Me knowing that she was everything he didn’t want made it easier for me to see that everything he said about her was a load of crap, she wasn’t what he wanted in life, I knew it. It made it easier to fight and not give up. Not sure what I would have done if I didn’t have that bit of knowledge about my h and his likes and dislikes. What makes him tick.